Not my will, but Yours.

I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to make everything better and just forget about what had happened.

But I didn’t know how.

I didn’t understand what to do, that is, what the Lord wanted me to do. I didn’t know how to face the problem, I didn’t get why I felt the urge to make it right. It wasn’t my fault. Lord I don’t understand! Why would You allow so much pain? Why do I have so much fear? Why do some things that You’ve said are bad have to be so bad? What can I say, what can I do to make everything better?

I think I had to come to the realization that really, there is nothing I can do to make it right. There is nothing I can say to ease the pain for them, to toss away the hurt. Because maybe, it wasn’t His plan to make everything okay. 

Now, I seem crazy. WHAT DO YOU MEAN JESS. God doesn’t want everything to be okay in my life, He doesn’t want me to be happy!? Calm yourself- that’s not what I’m saying. It’s His plan! 

Because I believe that God is almighty, all-powerful, all-knowing, and absolutely perfect and holy, I believe that He can do no wrong. That means that in our lives, He has designed us to go through the things that we go through for a reason. Did He always want for us to go through terrible, hard times? No! But because of our decision to turn away from Him, we have chosen to make our own way instead. And because we are faulty, sinful people, nothing that is in our control will ever be enough, will never be right. BUT. The Lord’s best plan for you and your life is in action RIGHT NOW. Because He sent Himself in perfection and glory to live among us and die the most excruciating death known to man, He paid it all in place of us when He rose from the grave! HE CONQUERED DEATH, so that you may have life. So the things you go through, when you choose to have the life He has so freely given to you, are really just a glimpse of discomfort compared to an eternity of heavenly bliss with Him in the end.

“Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is,because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

-Romans 8:27-28-

When you choose to accept God’s gift to you- a relationship with a perfect God and a promise of eternity with Him in heaven, He wraps it with ribbons of the fruits of the Spirit. You will have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome your trials and tribulations with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control! (Galatians 5:22-23) Just as Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit as a man to overcome death! How undeserving we are of these amazing things, but how loving our God is to give it to us so freely.

This life is not easy, believe me! But if you’re still in doubt that He actually wants to help us, hear me out.

It’s late at night, I’ve already turned off my lamp, tucked myself into my comfy sheets and stuffed my nose into my fluffy pillow when the Lord tugged at my heart. 

“I want to show you something. Open up your Bible.” (My Bible sat right next to me on my nightstand)

“Not now Lord! I can do it in the morning. I’m literally about to fall asleep. Like right now.”

“Just open up your Bible.”

I turned on my lamp with a big “urrggh”. “What do you even want me to read? Want me to flip open a page?” I laughed quietly. Like that  would actually work. 

I remembered my Bible has a reading-plan, so I opened up the reading for June 22nd. Okay, Proverbs. Proverbs has good stuff…

I looked down, started reading, and was left speechless.

“A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
2The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly,
But the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.

The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
Keeping watch on the evil and the good.”  

-Proverbs 15: 1-3-

I had just been thinking about what I wanted to say to someone the next day. How to not make the situation any worse than it was, how to ask for forgiveness and express my love towards them. I couldn’t figure out how to do it myself.

But the Lord calls us to seek Him in our times of troubles, in darkness. I was afraid of what would happen in the future, afraid that I may have damaged our relationship because of how I handled the situation. But the Lord calls us to walk unafraid in this life. He is there in the darkest of times, His presence and grace is my comfort and light! I am reminded to trust in His absolute, perfect plan for my life, even if I don’t understand it. Because He is my Lord, and my goodness is nothing apart from Him! (Psalm 16:2)

“Don’t let me drift away Lord! Pull me out of deep waters and rescue me from all that takes me from You! I lay down my will and surrender to Yours. Take and rebellion in me and expose it with Your truth.” -Stormie Omartian

“Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness; 

He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.”

-Psalm 112:4-

Let us arise out of the darkness into the arms of our heavenly Father. 


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