DevelopingYour Eye: Day Two

STREETS

I didn’t post this yesterday! Life happens.

At the moment, and for the past month, streets have made my heart beat faster than I’m comfortable with. Well, I’ll just show you.

“Sunday, June 5, 2016

Dear Diary,

Last night, we got in a car accident.

Everything was going as planned. We left the Uncle Rick’s boat after an incredible day on the Sacramento River, loaded up the kayaks, and Mom and Dad took the borrowed car to bring the kayaks home. I borrowed Mom’s car to take the girls and I to Joe’s Crab Shack to eat and watch the fireworks for Bekah’s birthday. We were almost there, exiting the Tower Bridge and stopped at the red light. All of a sudden, the light turned green and 30 bicyclists raced right in front of us. The truck in the lane to the right of me started to roll forward as he laid his hand on the horn. Once the bicyclists were broken up, we started to move. I turned left without thinking, and Michelle looked to the side as bright lights became overwhelming as it came towards us. Then they hit us. I can still feel the hit now when I close my eyes, metal screeching against metal when I plug my ears. I turned to my sister, she was practically shaking. I frantically yelled, “Is everyone okay!?” All five of us seemed fine. We got out of the car and barely noticed as the fireworks went off in the background. The cops came along with a firetruck and an ambulance, Mom and Dad had not even made it home yet when they came to the scene, and everyone in the intersection stood their mouths gaping, whispering among themselves.

I could have killed them. My friends, my sister, the three people in the other car. It was not a turn lane; I was not supposed to turn. It was a yield light; I should have been watching before I started going. Those bicyclists should not have crossed; I would not have been distracted. The truck should not have driven forward and honked; he could have hurt someone too. The car is totaled; my parents cannot afford another car. Her car might be totaled; I do not know if insurance will cover the cost. I am not a bad driver, am I? We cannot afford it. I could have killed them. I could have killed them.

That is all I thought for the next hour it took to settle everything before we all got home. Tears continuously streamed down my cheeks as I blamed myself over and over again. I thought Mom and Dad would be mad, but they came running and embraced Michelle and I, thanking the Lord that we were both untouched. That was the miracle. Out of eight people, not a hair on anyone’s head was harmed.

Today we went to church, Mom and Dad went to Minnesota for a business conference. I have to drive to work tomorrow, and I am using Dad’s truck. I am nervous. I do not trust myself. Mom keeps saying that everything will be okay, that it will all be sorted out. I can’t bring myself to think those things. Not yet. “

It has been a week since the accident and guilt, anxiousness, terror, will haunt me no longer. I do not want to wake up in the middle of the night thinking of the things that could have happened, of how much more damage I could have caused. Jesus, help me to rest in Your unfailing love for me. Just like Mom and Dad, help me to see the plan that you have in all of this. Help me to not blame myself. Help me to find hope. Help my hands to be steady when I drive. Help me to be cautious. I am not weak; I am strong in You. The car will be fixed, everyone is alive.

Everyone is alive.